Facebooking With The NJBC
by The Very Last Valkyrie
Summary: What if Gossip Girl monitored Facebook? What kind of posts would she intercept? What new secrets would she uncover? Discover the clubs, pages and statuses which make up the lives of your favourite Upper East Siders.
1. Facebooking With The NJBC

_**The sun is shining, the birds are singing, I've just wrapped up my philosophy essay and I'm feeling frisky. Who's up for something humourous? What if Gossip Girl monitored Facebook too?  
WARNING: Heavily inspired by Failbook (go check it out, it's hilarious).**_

* * *

**Facebooking With The NJBC**

**_Intercepted: one welcome back, NY style.  
_**

**Serena van der Woodsen** is bck in th city!!  
**Blair Waldorf** GTFO.**  
****Serena van der Woodsen** i sed i was sory...  
**Chuck Bass** Clearly not enough to include both 'r's.

_**~GG~**_

_**Intercepted: time telling all.  
**_

**Blair Waldorf » Chuck Bass **The limo meant nothing._ (24 hours ago)  
_**Chuck Bass » Blair Waldorf **I guess it did. _(5 minutes ago)_

_**~GG~**_

**_Intercepted: listening to White Lies.  
_**

**Chuck Bass » Blair Waldorf **Usual time, usual place?**  
Nate Archibald** wat 4?**  
Chuck Bass** Shiatsu.

_**~GG~**_

**_Intercepted: so many men, so little time..._**

**Serena van der Woodsen** is single  
**Serena van der Woodsen** is in a relationship with Daniel Humphrey**  
Serena van der Woodsen** is single**  
Serena van der Woodsen** is 'it's complicated' with Daniel Humphrey**  
Serena van der Woodsen** is single**  
Serena van der Woodsen **is in a relationship with Aaron Rose  
**Serena van der Woodsen** is single**  
Serena van der Woodsen** is in a relationship with Daniel Humphrey**  
Serena van der Woodsen** is single**  
Serena van der Woodsen** is 'it's complicated' with Gabriel Edwards  
**Serena van der Woodsen** is in a relationship with Gabriel Edwards  
**Serena van der Woodsen** is single  
**Serena van der Woodsen** is 'it's complicated' with Carter Baizen  
**Serena van der Woodsen** is single  
**Serena van der Woodsen** is 'it's complicated' with William 'Tripp' Vanderbilt  
**Serena van der Woodsen** is in a relationship with Nate Archibald

_**~GG~**_

**_Intercepted: when words fail you, there are always clubs.  
_**

**Blair Waldorf **has joined_ I too lost my virginity to Chuck Bass_, _Moving Vehicle Sex RAWKS!_ and _Anyone else in love with a guy with commitment issues?_  
**Chuck Bass** has joined_ bitch, u r not my girlfriend...quit following me around!!!  
_**Serena van der Woodsen, Nate Archibald, Lily ****B****ass, Dorota Kishlovsky and Cyrus Rose** have joined _Get Chuck and Blair together before we all go mad!_

_**~GG~**_

**_Intercepted: he's got her number._**

**Chuck Bass** is a fan of _that girl who got up on stage and took her clothes off __at Victrola last year hey __does anyone have her number?_

_**~GG~**_

**_Intercepted: the implications of updating.  
_**

**Blair Waldorf** is in Tuscany  
**Serena van der Woodsen** **» Blair Waldorf **i hope th wether's nice!!  
**Chuck Bass **is not  
**Serena van der Woodsen** **» Chuck Bass** burn in hell asswipe

_**~GG~**_

**_Intercepted: mommy issues._**

**Nate Archibald** NE1 else's cougar get waaay 2 clingy after summer was ova?  
**Anne Vanderbilt Archibald** Anyone else's _what_?

_**~GG~**_

_**Intercepted: what's a Superpoke between friends?**_

**Chuck Bass** has shoulder kissed **Blair Waldorf  
****Blair Waldorf** has slapped **Chuck Bass**  
**Chuck Bass** has given a macaroon to **Blair Waldorf  
****Blair Waldorf** has slapped **Chuck Bass**  
**Chuck Bass** has popped champagne with** Blair Waldorf**  
**Blair Waldorf** has slapped **Chuck Bass**  
**Chuck Bass** *is logging out and heading for the Waldorf penthouse*  
**Blair Waldorf** *is rapidly vacating the premises*

_**~GG~**_

_**Intercepted: ouch.**_

**Nate Archibald** :-( Mets didn't score :-(  
**Chuck Bass** But your ex sure did.  
**Eleanor Waldorf** Next time, use your own damn bathroom.

_**~GG~**_

_**Intercepted: a musical interlude.**_

**Serena van der Woodsen** feels pretty, oh so pretty, she feels pretty and witty and gay!  
**Eric van der Woodsen** So I'm not alone?

* * *

**_I hope you enjoyed!_**


	2. Hidden Pleasures

**_I'm sorry to say that the Facebook muse eludes me, but I'm sure these snippets of everyday life in the UES will provide some much needed comic relief. And I challenge you: to go and Facebookize Gossip Girl yourself - just give me a mention as your basis, and send me a link so I can read it!  
Enjoy._**

**

* * *

**

**Hidden Pleasures**

**Chuck:** I only care about three things: money, the pleasure money brings me, and you.  
**Blair:** So I join the Holy Trinity of your investment portfolio and harem? Gee, thanks.

_**~GG~**_

**Nate:** I've been thinking: if I hadn't cheated on Blair with Serena, then I wouldn't have fallen out with Blair, and she wouldn't have gone to you, and the two of you wouldn't have fallen in love, so theoretically I did you guys a favour.  
**Chuck:** This is why you don't think, Nathaniel.

_**~GG~**_

**Chuck:** You went up there on your own.  
**Blair:** Yes, but I was in your elevator, so technically it's still your fault.

_**~GG~**_

**Serena:** But I don't know what kind of lingerie Nate likes! What if I pick the wrong type?  
**Blair:** S, Nate is a man of few words and even fewer brain cells. Pick something sparkly and he'll be distracted for weeks.

_**~GG~**_

**Blair **_**(from behind a closed door)**_**:** Not enough!  
**Cyrus:** That's my girl.

_**~GG~**_

**Nate:** Serena, if you were a flower, I think you'd be a sunflower.  
**Serena:** Why, because I brighten up your day?**  
Nate:** Yes...but also because your face is kind of round, and your hair is all yellow – blonde – like the petals on a sunflower, see?  
**Serena:** I'm leaving.  
**Nate:** When will you be back?  
**Serena:** 2015.  
**Nate:** You have a time machine?

_**~GG~**_

**Chuck:** You sure?  
**Blair:** I'm drunk. Of course I'm sure.

_**~GG~**_

**Serena:** Wait, you're on the phone to me while you're in _bed_? But you told me those moaning sounds were just static! Oh, so I'm breaking up now? Wha – oh my God, _STOP_!

_**~GG~**_

**Red-Haired Cotillion Lady:** And now I'd like to present Miss Giselle Odette Carolina Marguerite Jenny-from-the-block de Whittaker-Vanderbilt-Astoria. She is known to her friends as the 'Mary Sue' of this fandom and has done it simultaneously with Nate, Chuck, Carter, Dan and Eric. She also prides herself on being bitchier than Blair, hotter than Serena and more doe-eyed than Jenny. Now, somebody please push her down these stairs.

_**~GG~**_

**Eleanor:** I let a universally acknowledged manwhore sleep over in my daughter's room? What the frick is wrong with me?!

_**~GG~**_

**Blair:** What the – Chuck, who is that blonde person in your bed?  
**Chuck:** Nate. He keeps forgetting that he doesn't live here...

_**~GG~**_

**Chuck:** I'm wondering what to get you for Christmas. Perhaps something...battery operated?  
**Blair:** I wish you were battery operated, then I could turn you off.**  
Chuck:** Only if you promise to turn me on again after.

_**~GG~**_

**Nate****:** I can has cheezburger?__

_**~GG~**_

**Blair: **Don't worry, I can be bitch enough for both of us.**  
Chuck: **I still have the scars on my back to prove it.**  
Blair:** May I remind you that, in your own words, I was to 'hold on tight, spider monkey'?**  
**

* * *

_**I hope you enjoyed!**_


	3. Funny Face

**_~#~_**

**Funny Face, _or_ The Top Ten Things You Might Not Have Noticed In Gossip Girl**

**_~#~_  
**

**1.** At any social event, the eclairs are always reserved for Chuck. In _Gone With The Will_, Blair stands by her man in fine style by slapping Isabel's hand and removing one from her plate.

**2.** In _Victor, Victrola_, Dan and Serena are making out by the steps when a girl in black stiletto boots tells them to get a room. This girl has the same voice as Gossip Girl.

**3.** In _Bonfire of the Vanity_, Serena wears the same coat over her slip when she goes out with Aaron as she does in the show's pilot while talking to Dan at the concierge desk.

**4.** There are constant references to Chuck and Blair as an old Hollywood style couple: the turning point in their friendship happens in a '30s era burlesque club, the first time they have sex is depicted via a sepia-tone, old film montage and important events in their lives (e.g. the 'I love you's) happen outside, as they do in _Breakfast At Tiffany_'_s_ (not to mention the _Affair To Remember_ disaster).

**5.** The actress playing Headmistress Queller changes.

**6.** We never again see Aaron after he and Serena break up, despite the fact that he is Blair's stepbrother.

**7.** Lily's condensed list of the men she's dated doesn't include two of her husbands (Samir and Paolo), a fact Rufus doesn't pick up on.

**8.** Serena always breaks up with someone at her mother's weddings.

**9.** Excepting Lily, Nate has had relationships with all four principal female characters in Gossip Girl. To date, Chuck has had sex with all of the same, excepting Serena, who he is related to legally if not biologically.

**10.** Chuck and Blair share the same initials in their given names, only in reverse (C.B. for Charles Bartholomew and B.C. for Blair Cornelia).


End file.
